I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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