Your face is a jimmy john
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
