I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
