Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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