I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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