The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
