do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
