please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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