Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
