I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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