We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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