I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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