Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
