His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
