You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
