I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i would one night stand the shit outta him
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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