I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize