just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
