Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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