I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
