Someone shit on the floor
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
