Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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