You can't special order awesome
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
