i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
