When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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