You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
