dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
babies were throwing up all over the place
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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