I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
