If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
