I just saw a hot homeless man
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
