I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
