my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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