you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
