Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
