My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
