u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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