I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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