She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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