he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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