A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The power of my boobs compel you
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
