I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
