I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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