I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
apparently the secret to your success is patron
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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