I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
