Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
