the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
