You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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