the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
