i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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