STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
