he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
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how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.