shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
