How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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