If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
