Your dad touched me again.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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