God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
