I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
